Being me
by Night.of.thunder
Summary: "...I look at her face again. Her once sparkling blue eyes, now full of sorrow and disappointment." Riven is breaking.


**Hello. I am new here. My name is Tanja. This is my first fanfiction that I am truly sure about and I just fell brave enought to publish it. O, yeah almost forgot. English is not my first language so pleas dont be mad if I dont write something right. I am trying. I live in Slovenia so if somebody is from there then: Živjo, upam da si uredu in uživaj v zgodbi :)... yeah so that is it. Enjoy**

** oh and I dont own anything and no profit has been made out of this story, although the story doesnt realy have names in it I just want to be careful. It is a Musa and Riven story just so you know.**

** okey so 3, 2, 1...START**

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HIS POV

I know I had too much to drink, way too much. I realized that when I sat in the car. My vision was blurry. Scotch was my second love now. I rested my head on the steering wheel. I drowned my feelings in my drinks. It made me feel empty. Better empty then full of sorrow and depression. I was going to die like this. I am not capable of driving like this, am I? But my mind doesn't listens. I put the keys in the ignition and start the car. I press the gas and go home. If I will get there.

How did I get to my apartment alive, I don't know? I try to find my keys. Front pocket. That was easy. I put the key in the lock. Open the door. Walk in. Close it behind me.

That's when it hit me. All the memories bursted in my head. First a flashback of me holding her in my arms, leaning agents the tree, on the soft green grass in the lonely woods. I hear myself promising to her I will always be there by her side, protecting her. She smiles, I melt. We kiss.

It's all too much. The pain, I have to lean against the door. I can feel the pressure of my weight on my back and the wooden door. Again, the flashback. We´re in our apartment. I came in late. It was our anniversary. I forgot. Again. She said it's Okay. It's not. My heart breaks when I see the pain in her eyes. Back to reality.

I start to breath heavily. A sudden weight sets on my chest. Flashback. The first time I saw her. Her blue eyes, looking at me piercingly. Her hair drifting in the wind. Her voice like bells. I can remember me wanting to go to her and just kiss her there. In front of everyone. A complete stranger. But her lips were just so… inviting. They still are. The picture changes. It was from two weeks ago. We're fighting.

I look at her face again. Her once sparkling blue eyes, now full of sorrow and disappointment. Her whole face was in complete depression. Now it hits me. I did this to her. She's like this because of me. Why haven't I just listened to myself the first time? She's too good for you. She deserves better. Someone better then you.

That's when I broke. I can't take it anymore. I wake up from my flashbacks. I remember where I am. Leaning on the front door. I haven't even notice the smell. It was the dinner she had planned. Now I feel like an idiot. I close my eyes wanting to disappear. I don't know how I am going to tell her that I forgot again. I don't even know why I can't just remember when our anniversary is. It was the happiest day in my life. Was it so hard? I mean it's not even a hard date. It's the 14 July. It was summer and all the annoying friends were away somewhere and I just grabbed the chance. Ughhhhh, why do I have to be such an asshole?

I remember that it's late. I look at the clock. 1 am. I know that she is waiting for me in the bed. She once said when I came home late, and I lay in the bed next to her that she can't sleep without me by her side. That was the time I realized how much I mean to her. And how much she means to me. She is worried too much. Yeah worried. She cares about me a lot. I care about her a lot to. Well I guess not enough. Sometimes I just look at her and think. My mind drifts of and goes somewhere else. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And I don't know what's an angel like that doing with a nobody like me.

I feel that pain in my chest again. But now it's just bigger. I guess all the pressed up emotions are bursting out. I can feel tears wanting to fall. I let them go. I slide myself down the door. My knees are up and my hands on them. I feel the warm tears on my checks. I'm drunk, depressed and broken. If I wanted to have a weak moment, this is it. Every moment, every feeling coming out. I slam my head in the door, trying to come to sense.

That's when I felt it. The presence of another person close. I didn't stop. I guess she would kind of like seeing me weak like this. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't care. I hear her light footsteps. I can see her tying her robe around herself. She sleepily walks closer. But then she stops and stares. I start calming myself down a bit. I look at her, straight in the eyes. She quietly says my name, comes closer and puts her hand on my shoulder and asks: »what's wrong«? I look at her and quietly replay: »I am«.

I put my face in my hands. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to look at her eyes. I know what I would see. But then the love of my life suppressed me again. She doesn't yell. She doesn't even talk. She quietly sits next to me, and puts her head on my shoulder. We just sit there. It isn't awkward. We just enjoy the quietness. After some time I decided to end her torcher and save her from me. I thought it was the best thing possible. I inhale deeply and start:

»I…I will pack and leave tomorrow. Don't worry, I´ll just sleep on the couch tonight. I know you're surprised but, I think you don't need someone like me disappointing you every single day. You're to…to good for me. I love you, I don't know how I'll do it without you but, I want you to be with someone that, you know, makes you happy and if you will be happy then I'm happy. I…I love you, I will miss you but…I can't do this to you anymore…«

I meant every single word I said. I don't know how I will survive without her. When I come home she is the thing that calms me down and when I wake up she's the reason I get up from the bed. She is everything to me.

I looked at her. She had the look of shock on her face. She wasn't happy or sad. I couldn't read her eyes. She started to talk: »What the hell is wrong with you. You come home late and now you want to break up with me. Are you insane? I love you. You know that. And you can't…you can't leave me…«

I get a bit upset. How could she not know what I'm talking about, so I interrupt her and start explaining: »It's not about getting home late and you know that. I can't do this to you anymore. I can't fight, I can't look at your eyes full of sadness and disappointment and I can't bear the truth anymore. I know you're not happy. And I know that I am the reason. And I know I broke my promise. I'm not always here and I'm not always protecting you. I have been pushing you away and I always forget our anniversary. And….and don't think I can't hear you crying in the bathroom after we have fights. The guilt, the guilt is killing me. I can't make you happy and I can't take it anymore«. I stand up and walk away. I walk to the balcony and open it. The wind blows in me and I make my way to the railing. I look at the city skyline, thinking. Is there anybody out there more depressed then me?

After some time I hear her footsteps behind me. She joins me in the balcony. She takes my hand and hugs me. Her body against mine, it feels like it was made for me. I can't take it anymore and I hug her back. I want her, but I can't have her. I can feel her tears, soaking my shirt. She pulls away and says: »Don't leave, please don't. I love you too much, please I…maybe we could work it out. I don't want you gone, please…«

She buries her face in my chest again. I moved away. I took her face in my hands and pressed my lips on hers. I needed that. She responded. Our lips moved in sync. I enjoyed every passionate moment of the kiss, until I had to break apart for air. I look into her eyes. They were blue and sparkling with love. Like old times. I guess I can make her happy. Maybe I shouldn´t give up on us just yet.

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**The End**

** Yeah, so now that you are finished you can like...I dont know...I mean if you want to, you could like...leave a review. I would super love that. It makes me know what I do wrong. So pleas do that. I am young and stupid so any help would be great :)**


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